“I worked with Sonny and Cher, Sonny without Cher, Cher without Sonny, Chastity with a dick, Chastity without a dick….” said funny man Bruce Vilanch at the top of his 54 Below show. “For years, Cher thought I was Chastity.

“The last time I saw Cher,” he went on, “she said, ‘Vilanch, you fat fuck. You still in the business?’ I looked at her and said, ‘I like this face. Keep this one!’”

Vilanch—who’s written 23 Oscar shows and is also remembered for filling Hollywood Squares with rimshots—was wearing hot pink glasses over his own amazing features while also sporting a T-shirt that said “I Dumped Adele.” The fat fuck admitted that he was writer number seven (out of nine hard-working scribes) on the immortal film epic Burlesque, the one that gave poles a bad name. “Can you imagine it took nine of us to put that piece of shit together?” he intoned. And nine more people to see it, I guess!

But the roly-poly riot was more interested in making light of other people’s degradations. He related a story he’d heard about how Joan Crawford once peed on David Niven from above, while waving just to make sure he knew who she was. (I had no idea so many Oscar winners went to the Mine Shaft, lol!)

And Bruce also shared some horrors he’d witnessed personally, like:

*Bea Arthur accidentally slapping a wookie in the genital-looking face during the filming of the Star Wars Holiday Special and ad libbing, “I’ve never hit a man in the cunt before!”

*George Burns watching Pia Zadora in concert and moaning, “This is the worst thing I’ve ever seen.” “And he was 100,” reminded Vilanch.

*Mario Lopez being ditzy at a teen pageant Vilanch wrote. (“I’d dimple fuck him, but he’s not terribly bright up there.”)

*And when one of the beauty contestants messed up that night, cracked Vilanch, “Whitney Houston—who was alive at the time—called me and said, ‘I no longer believe the children are our future.’” With that, I almost got whiplash spinning my head around to look at Clive Davis’s reaction in the next booth, but his face didn’t move! Maybe it couldn’t. Still, I like it. He should keep this one.

The post Michael Musto Reviews Bruce Vilanch At 54 Below first appeared on We Got Bruce!.

Popping up on the 54 Below stage wearing a T shirt with the message about “Adele,” Bruce Vilanch launched into “Hey, Don’t Look At Me” from Follies with special lyrics about his appearance at his old stomping ground, the basement room of 54 Below. Without a break, Vilanch jumped into “Gee But It’s Good To Be Here” perfectly impersonating Ethel Merman’s high note! His accompanist was the talented Brian Nash who plays for the late open mic show at 54 Below every Monday night at 11:30 PM.

Most of Vilanch’s show was funny stories from his writing experiences on shows including the Oscars, his appearances on Hollywood Squares, and his writing for several beauty pageants. He described how one could get to the major beauty pageants by starting small, taking a local contest first, then moving up to regional, then to state, and ultimately one of the big international contests, especially if you were spotted by professional trainers “Guy and Rex.” Their training method was hysterical, especially when they got to a Miss Universe contest in high altitude Peru. Because there was a sumo wrestler shaped contestant, when she descended the staircase she would knock over all the other contestants! His job was to write the questions and answers for the contestants and they always wanted some special disease to talk about. The response of the girl contestant who blew her line was hysterically funny.

He also did a riff on Pia Zadora who lives in Las Vegas and has just been charged with assaulting her fifth husband, a cop, with his pistol! One of Vilanch’s first jobs was to write an act for her that her rich husband could put in his Las Vegas hotels. He told everyone to watch her movie “Santa Claus and the Martians” for a special Christmas treat. Marvin Hamlisch was also hired and she was to open for George Burns who was 100 years old at the time. Vilanch grew up worshiping Burns and was able to suggest old jokes for his shows which Burns remembered instantly! When Burns saw Zadora in rehearsal, he said it was the worst act he had ever seen! And he had been seeing bad acts for 100 years! Zadora’s husband paid other headliners to come and see her act.

Vilanch’s best stories, which I will not fully disclose here, were about Steve Martin when he was hosting the Oscars and not wanting to do a specific joke which dealt with his fly on camera. The censor lady had approved it and insisted it be done. At the last minute, Martin refused to do it and the Stage Manager announced the cutting of the joke which was broadcast to all the audience! There was also a very funny story about Dolly Parton singing the song she wrote for “Beethoven’s Fifth” with the two dogs at her feet. Suddenly one of the dogs took a big dump so they cut to the upper part of Parton’s torso while a stage manager swept off the droppings. However, Parton was wearing a transparent top and the waist up shot showed her naked big breasts and nipples driving the censor wild. So they cut to her face and as Parton smelled what had happened her mascara started dripping! Vilanch was back stage with Deborah Kerr who was to get the special career award. Vilanch explained that everyone who gets this award usually dies a few months later, which is why Doris Day has always turned it down. He had the job of taking Ms. Kerr, in a blackout, to a platform where she was to appear after Parton’s number. Kerr’s reaction to the smell was priceless!

He also regaled us with the stories of the Lucas repressed Stars Wars Holiday Special, done to promote the next sequel. It was to star the Chewbaca family, who spoke in that language, and featured all kinds of name guest stars including Art Carney, Diahann Carroll, and Bea Arthur. Bea Arthur was to be featured in the nightclub scene and chose to sing “The Alabama Song.” The costumes on the extras were left over unfinished costumes that kept melting. Most of them looked like Vaginas. And on her last note, Arthur knocked over the vagina on her shoulder! Sometimes you will find that clip on you tube!

All in all, there was not a dull or unfunny moment in Vilanch’s act.
He repeats Friday, June 14 at 11 PM. Reservations are a must! Given his popularity with Broadway community he’ll probably sell out.

Maitre D’ & Reservations: (646) 476-3551
To purchase tickets visit TicketWeb.com or call (866) 468-7619

54 Below – 254 W 54th St, Cellar – New York, NY 10019

The post first appeared on We Got Bruce!.