THE NIGHT BEFORE
Gather all viewing essentials. These should include:

• Chinese food
• A cheap bathrobe onto which you can drop pork lo mein in duck sauce
• Boxes of filthy wine
• Popcorn, to make you feel like you are at the movies and not just watching clips of movies you’d never think of seeing
• A Koosh ball in all the colors of the gay-pride rainbow (more on this later)

AROUND NOON
Red carpet begins

It won’t be the same without Joan Rivers asking:

• Who are you wearing?
• Who are you married to this year?
• Why are you here?
• What is that smell?
• Do you know any single, straight guys in Bel Air (East Gate) who might be interested in my daughter or me, or both of us?

Drink every time someone looks over the shoulder of the person they’re talking to because there’s someone more famous out of camera range.

5:00 P.M.
Half-hour to showtime

• Rid yourself of distractions, including your well-meaning but dim friend who will ask, “But what’s the difference between sound editing and sound mixing?”
• Put on cheap bathrobe
• Open carton of spring rolls

5:30 P.M. 

Neil Patrick Harris bursts forth to host. The biggest shock of the night will be if he offends anyone, even aged Nazi war criminals watching from huts deep in the jungles of Paraguay. But on the Oscars, you never know. People who never watch TV or go to the movies or have ever heard the phrase “self-cleaning oven” invariably tune in to the Oscar show and are outraged by everything they see, hear or think they saw/heard.

DRINKING GAME #2 

Drink every time there’s a shot of an actress with ridiculous cleavage.

Bonus drink if she’s texting or checking her teeth for lipstick. Unless it’s Patricia Arquette, because she just doesn’t care. If it’s a bad year for cleavage, you can substitute a drink for each time the camera lingers on someone that no one on the planet recognizes, which means it’s the director’s spouse or the seat-filler where Marion Cotillard is supposed to be — or it’s Meryl Streep, who has stopped dressing for these things.

6:00 P.M.-ISH
First acting awards: supporting actor/actress

You will know it because it will be presented by last year’s winner, of whom you will have to be reminded. If you love the winner, have a spare rib. If you loathe the winner, here’s where that Koosh ball comes in. Fling it violently at the screen. You’ll do no harm. Repeat this all evening. Very therapeutic. People in the theater will wish they had a Koosh ball. Or any balls.

GOOD TIMES TO TAKE A WHIZ

• Recap of Sci-Tech Awards
• Governors Ball festivities
• Documentary Feature
• Documentary Short Subject

Because you probably aren’t interested, unless Kim Kardashian‘s rear end is presenting the award.

HOURS LATER

There may be an awkward political moment when the documentary award is presented. That’s usually when it happens. But by then you won’t care. In fact, as the afternoon turns into evening, a good deal of the audience no longer cares. For each person who wins, there are four people who don’t, so the audience fills up with losers. And with seat-fillers, for losers who are so bitter they’re already at the bar or in the car, or the bar in the car. But you have no such worries. You are in a duck sauce-stained universe, watching Adam Levine manfully tackle a song you’ve never heard from a movie you didn’t see. And in a few hours, there’ll be Julianne Moore looking terrific as she hoists her Oscar high. Next year, you’ll get dressed up and go to a big party. And watch the whole thing on DVR when you get home. Of course you will. Now then, what’s on TCM?

The post Oscars 2015: Bruce Vilanch’s Guide to Watching the Telecast first appeared on We Got Bruce!.

Chris Isaacson Presents in association with Ryan O’Connor has announced Upright Cabaret’s 9th Annual A Broadway Christmas. Hosted by six-time Emmy Award-winner Bruce Vilanch with musical direction by Gregory Nabours, there will be two performances only on Wednesday, December 17 and Thursday, December 18 at 8:30pm at the Catalina Bar & Grill in Hollywood.

Stars scheduled to perform are (in alphabetical order) Jill Burke, Candice Clasby, Will Collyer, Laura Dickinson, Sheila Karls, Jacob Lusk, Matthew Ryan Pest, Jonah Platt, Amber Snead, and Brandon Wardell, with more to be announced.

Under boughs of holly and multi-media of silver and gold, stars and snowflakes will glitter as Upright Cabaret combines the Best of Broadway with the Carols of Christmas. Along with the extraordinary vocal talent of the performers, brassy horns and sentimental strings will create a wonderland of cheerful songs and melodies guaranteed to bring on the holiday spirit.

Host Bruce Vilanch is best known for his work as a writer on 23 Oscar telecasts. He spent six years on The Hollywood Squares and played Edna Turnblad in Hairspray on Broadway an on tour across the U.S. Musical director Gregory Nabours is a composer/lyricist and music director who recently had an evening of his original work performed at the Kennedy Center in Washington, DC. He is a founding member of the Coeurage Theatre Company and is the winner of two Ovation Awards, and LA Drama Critics Circle Award, an LA Weekly Award, and the NAACP Theatre Award.

Upright Cabaret’s 9th Annual A Broadway Christmas will take place at the Catalina Bar & Grill, 6725 Sunset Boulevard, in Hollywood. Tickets are $25 and $30 with a $5 discount on purchases made by December 10. VIP packages are available, and tickets purchased online receive priority seating. Single entrée or drink minimums apply. Go to www.TicketWeb.com or www.ChrisIsaacsonPresents.com or call (866) 468-3399.

Chris Isaacson Presents is currently nominated for four BroadwayWorld.com Awards for its presentation of concerts this past year starring Laura Benanti, Danny Gurwin, Jeremy Jordan, and Jennifer Holliday. For more information about this and other CIP events including evenings with Mandy Gonzalez and Molly Ringwald coming up in 2015, visit www.ChrisIsaacsonPresents.com.

The post Bruce Vilanch To Host Upright Cabaret’s 9th Annual A Broadway Christmas first appeared on We Got Bruce!.

Hi Everyone! We’re sill busy busy busy raising money to complete season 3 of Child of the 70s! A web series is just like any independent film, raising the money ourselves in order to complete the project is a necessary evil…. eeeeevil!!! Season 3 is shaping up to be the best yet… great scripts, great actors and a great crew… a lot of people working very hard… but in order to make it happen so all of you friends, family & fans can enjoy it, we need money. Please visit our Indiegogo campaign page and make a donation… some of the perks are Michael Vaccaro CDs (which are fantastic and you’ll love them), “Thank You” credits, signed photos, IMDb credits, various levels of Producer credits, your photo prominently displayed and your name written into the dialog in an episode, dinner with cast members (who doesn’t want to have dinner with Ann Walker, Bruce Vilanch, Susan Olsen, etc), seasons 1 & 2 DVD… many perks to choose from! No matter how much you donate you will have our love forever! Also be sure to share the link with all of your friends and help us spread the word! Let’s do this!! Donate here:

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/child-of-the-70s-season-3

The post Help Fund Child Of The 70’s Starring Michael Vaccaro, Bruce Vilanch, And More… first appeared on We Got Bruce!.