We Got Bruce!

From The Trades: Celebrity Fit Club 3 – The Finale

The Trades.com
Celebrity Fit Club 3 – The Finale
A Dose of Reality by Caroline Roberts
Published: February 28, 2006

The grand finale of Celebrity Fit Club bears a strong resemblance to a high-school graduation. The contestants on Celebrity Fit Club dress in their finest gowns, suits, and aprons. Dr. Ian, Dr. Linda, and Drill Sergeant Harvey are the stern instructors giving their final grades. Best of all, Ant gets to be the proud principal who sends his charges into the future. In that spirit, we’d like to hand out some graduation prizes.

Ebony Flame

LEAST SCHOOL SPIRIT: Tempestt Bledsoe, 162 lbs. (gained 2 lbs.) Original weight: 181 lbs. At least she’s smiling when it’s her turn. The way Ant and the show build up her tension with Harvey, you’d think those two would make out at the end. She even shows him a smile, and he reciprocates. Was that a little Drill Sergeant Love? You mean it wasn’t the laughing yoga that made her smile? Harvey says, “This is a side of you I haven’t seen,” and she shoots back, “You haven’t seen much of me, Harvey.” Uh, did the room get a little steamy? Who would have thunk it?

MOST SCHOOL SPIRIT: Chastity Bono, 191 lbs. (minus 5 lbs.) Original weight: 215 lbs. Fit Club hasn’t been easy for Bono because she always tried hard, but the weight didn’t fall off. She is delighted to lose 5 pounds, but she admits, “I didn’t think losing weight would be as hard as it is.” Dr. Linda brings up Cher, but it’s a tease – instead, Bono and her girlfriend enjoy a romantic meal together. And, in terms of politics, it is wonderful to see lesbians on television treated with respect instead of like “Girls Gone Wild” bimbos. VH1 deserves propers.

BEST DRESSED: Young MC, 240 lbs. (minus 7 lbs.) Original weight: 278 lbs. Young MC cleans up incredibly well for the show, and he’s lost 38 pounds, which means he can show off his new body. Since he always seemed relatively normal, his story doesn’t seem dramatic, but he got the hotter bod he was looking for. And he wins a trip to Las Vegas for his trouble. He better stay away from the buffet bars! On top of that he gets this really weird piece of bling – a gold-and-diamond chain with the Celebrity Fit Club logo.

CLASS CLOWN: Bruce Vilanch, 294 lbs. (plus 2 lbs.) Original weight: 315 lbs. It was tempting to say that Vilanch won the “Worst Dressed” prize, but the man really knows his T-shirts (tonight’s says, “Extra Large”). He deserves credit for wearing a sportcoat at graduation as well. During his recap, Ant jokes, “It was clear that Bruce wasn’t a natural athlete.” The show builds the storyline that he was in serious medical trouble. He was on the show for more reasons than just getting back into the limelight and showing off his T-shirts. Even though he gains two pounds, he announces that he can “feel the difference.” However, we didn’t need his morph. He looked thinner, but he flipped his hair and covered his man-breasts just like a coy Playboy model. Ewww.

Kelly’s Bellies

CLASS DRAMA QUEEN: Countess Vaughn, 134 lbs. (gained 2 lbs.). Original weight: 130 lbs. The show recaps all of Vaughn’s excuses for losing weight (“I didn’t like the diet!”), including her divorce. They even show the embarrassing episode in which Dr. Linda gives her a mirror as a present. To make matters worse, she ends the show four pounds heavier than when she started. Dr. Ian says, “I don’t think this is the right time to lose weight!” Vaughn admits that “this is like high school!” Well, she didn’t lose weight, but perhaps her time with Dr. Linda helped her straighten out her life and get rid of “those god-awful glasses you see yourself through.” To boost her self esteem, Dr. Linda asks all the castmates to praise her. They like her, but she is going to need more private, non-televised time with a psychiatrist before she starts to feel good about herself.

MOST POPULAR: Kelly LeBrock, 144 lbs. (minus 7 lbs.) Original weight: 175 lbs. When Ant asks her what she’s wearing, LeBrock jokes that she’s wearing big bird, but when she sheds her feathery boa, she looks slinky. All those women in Hollywood who have to get their lips plumped are burning with jealousy right about now. Of course, when a model loses weight, it’s only natural for the model to go on a new photo shoot, and the show follows LeBrock as she strikes poses. She has also earned the love of her team. If you read a little more, you can see that Bizarre really loves her.

CLASS APPLE-POLISHER: Gunnar Nelson, 152 lbs. (minus 5 lbs.) Original weight: 175 lbs. When Nelson steps on the scale, he looks like a foxy guy. In fact, he looks a little too skinny. He takes off his jacket and hands it to Ant, who must fan himself to keep from passing out. But the big news is Dr. Linda and Nelson’s trip to see Nelson’s crazy momma. In a repeat of Victoria Jackson’s showdown with her father, the producers arrange a meeting between Nelson and his mother. When they visit Nelson’s mom, one would think a fire-breathing dragon would step out the front door, but Nelson’s mom seems like a hippie, arty lady, and she says she’s proud of him. Everyone hugs, and all the Nelson family problems are swept under the rug. Let’s hope that Nelson’s pow-wow with his mother soothes his soul – and let’s hope that he doesn’t lose any more weight!

CLASS STONER: Jeff Conaway, 205 lbs. Original weight: 205 lbs.

BIG MAN ON CAMPUS: Bizarre, 289 lbs. (minus 3 lbs.) Original weight 321 lbs. Everyone wears a suit, but Biz, ever the rebel, pairs his chic newspaper boy hat with an apron. Perhaps this is his new slimmer look. Biz jokes that he’s been in detox, which is a sophisticated view of what was essentially a food addiction. Naturally, he pulls a Bonaduce and gets at tattoo at a Hotlanta tattoo parlor to show how far he’s come. On his forearm, he proudly sports a swirly “Kelly’s Bellies” over a big gut! This sends LeBrock into tears, and she says, “You’re the most beautiful human being I’ve ever met, you really are.” While on the show, Biz tended to communicate in grunts and snickers, and the revelation of this kind personality is a pleasant surprise.

Winners of the Season: Kelly’s Bellies get the cruise, the cash, and the hot tub, even if Vaughn gained two pounds. Bono and Young MC look disappointed, but they could take a page from Wendy the Snapple Lady and come back for Season Four!