We Got Bruce!

Celebrity Fit Club: Episode 5

For more updates, check out The Trades, but this time, let’s just cheat shall we????

Celebrity Fit Club 3 – Episode 5
A Dose of Reality by Caroline Roberts
Published: January 30, 2006

Without Jeff Conaway, the show is dragging. Half of the cast is reasonably good-natured, and the other half has a tendency to complain. But endless whining isn’t enough to fill a whole hour. The producers are doing their best to encourage some drama. Bizarre has sleep apnea! Gasp! Bruce Vilanch has sand in his britches! Horrors! Those with real family dramas, like Countess Vaughn and Gunnar Nelson, would be better served if they took their problems off the show. If only Danny Bonaduce or Flavor Flav had a weight problem … Raul Burriel makes a great point in this week’s Reality Roundup – what America really wants to see is Celebrity Rehab Club.

Ebony Flame

Countess Vaughn, 132 lbs. (gained 2 lbs.). Oops, she did it again. Vaughn says that she doesn’t know what she’s doing wrong, but if she is going through a divorce and taking care of her son, she’s going to have trouble concentrating on weight loss. Dr. Ian goes easy on her, and Dr. Linda takes Vaughn on a spa therapy trip, with an emphasis on the therapy. Vaughn talks about the stress of being a single mom, but it might take some longer-term therapy sessions to make her feel better post-divorce. A massage and a fitness regimen won’t make her problems disappear. Original weight: 130 lbs.

Chastity Bono, 199 lbs. (minus 7 lbs.) Bono’s girlfriend has scheduled surprise morning workouts. That’s what we call tough love. Each morning, she tries a different sport. She bicycles, she picks up martial arts, she dances capoeira, and she jumps rope with a bunch of pre-teens who have the annoying habit of speaking in unison. The hardest part of jump rope is Bono’s tendency to curse in front of the kids, but it pays off. On top of all the morning exercise, Bono gets pummeled by the waves during the lifeguard Fit Camp. All the hard work pays off, though, and Drill Sargeant Harvey is tickled, clapping his hands together and shouting, “CHAS!” Drill Sargeant Harvey has never looked that happy in all seasons of this show. Original weight: 215 lbs.

Young MC, 251 lbs. (minus 2 lbs.) Young MC goes out for lunch with Tone Loc, who proceeds to order everything on the menu. The masses do not need to see Tone Loc eat ribs to the tune of the Ying Yang Twins. To Young’s credit, he sticks with his salad. Original weight: 278 lbs.

Bruce Vilanch, 296 lbs. (minus 4 lbs.) Vilanch is back to working out with his team, but he’s more focused on his nether regions: “I’ve got sand in my crotch and I haven’t even had sex on the beach.” He’s also focused on the nether regions others when he announces that he enjoys watching Bizarre play with the hose of his new sleep device. Perhaps he means it because he’s matched his tee-shirt (which says “State Penitentiary Cell Block 2: A Not-So-Pleasant Gated Community”) to Bizarre’s hat. He loses four pounds, but he jokes that he didn’t lose as much as expected because, like Bledsoe, he was on his period. Take that, Tempestt! Original weight: 315 lbs.

Kelly’s Bellies

Kelly LeBrock, 159 lbs. (minus 1 lbs.) LeBrock is establishing herself the hero of her team. Even the fussy Nelson praises her hard work as she pulls him back to shore. If anyone creates Baywatch: MILF, then she is the go-to gal. She loses only one pound, but she’s earned the respect of the judges. There’s a little chatter about her glamour-gal days: “It was refreshing to become overweight” because she was tired being a “piece of meat,” but we’ve already heard that. Original weight: 175 lbs.

Tempestt Bledsoe, 169 lbs. (minus 1 lbs.) Bledsoe is reminiscent of the office receptionist who hates typing and who hates answering the phone. You just want to shake her and holler, “Why are you here in the first place?” Grumpy ol’ Bledsoe slacks off during lifeguard training during the dog-sled exercise and the rescue competition. Nelson and Bledsoe are spoiling for a catfight as he grouses about her lack of effort. Ant also seems to have it out for her, as he wears another bold cardigan to give her a Cosby Complex. When she loses only one pound, she announces that she is on her period. Good job, Bledsoe – you won something. You beat Bruce Vilanch in the “Too Much Information” competition. The show follows Bledsoe as she goes to a red-carpet event, and Ant explains how stressful it can be to face the “paparazzi gauntlet.” What paparazzi? Drill Sargeant Harvey snaps at her for being lazy during fit camp, and she sneers, “Oooh, you’re just so motivating.” He should have said back, “Honey, oooh, you’re just so D-List.” Original weight: 181 lbs.

Gunnar Nelson, 164 lbs. (minus 6 lbs.) Ant says of Nelson, “No one likes a guy who makes everything look easy.” Nelson doesn’t help matters because he is as smug as all get-out, talking about how he wants to be “chiseled” while everyone else is just trying to lighten the load. To stir up the pot, Dr. Linda brings up Nelson’s dragon lady of a mother, and he describes her alcoholism during his teens. She still avoids facing up to the mean things she said, which traumatized him but, “to her, it was Tuesday.” No wonder he comes off as a little too critical of the other Fit Clubbers. When he talks trash about his teammates, his comments are probably nothing compared to what his mother said to him. Original weight: 175 lbs.

Jeff Conaway, 205 lbs. (minus 0 lbs.) Come back! Come back! Original weight: 205.

Bizarre, 301 lbs. (minus 6 lbs.) Bizarre is making some radical changes. He has swapped out his shower cap for an orange crocheted number that appears to have cacti growing out of the top (Harvey thinks it looks like a peacock). Since he lost a little weight, he can wear whatever he bloody well wants. Bizarre is sleeping better than he used to thanks to a sleep apnea test. Doctors attach monitors to him and put him to bed, and they discover that he has an Evinrude motor stuck up his nose. The man can snore. Dr. Ian gives him a special breathing tool that resembles a vacuum cleaner. Original weight 321 lbs.

Winners of the Week: Thanks to Gunnar Nelson and no thanks to Tempestt Bledsoe, Kelly’s Bellies easily trounced the competition.

Next week: The teams get shuffled, and the insults fly.