Advocate (The national gay & lesbian newsmagazine)
December 07, 2004

Pitch, pitch, pitch
By Bruce Vilanch



Subject: Today’s pitch meetings

Darling, here are my notes after a full day of brainstorming with the industry’s top minds over what we should be programming when LesBiGayTV finally goes on the air. Forgive any typos. I’m doing this on my Blackberry outside while having the smoke I’ve been promising myself for eight hours, and there is a Santa Ana blowing across the parking lot. You may notice some similarities, but that’s only because great minds think alike.

Queer Eye for the Straight Goat: This was first pitched to Animal Planet as something they might do once their studios are set up in Baghdad and the engineers stop eating the cast members. It involves taking farm animals and giving them makeovers and all the little grooming parlor touches that make pets so cute after they’ve had a day away from Mumsy. Animal Planet passed, feeling it was more for our demographic than theirs. The producers brought it to us with the thought that it might be an idea for Siegfried and Roy, you know, another kind of “magic,” while Roy recovers.

CSI: Fire Island: Hot forensic crime lab technicians cover the dunes, the pines, and the groves, not to mention the tea dances. In the pilot a severed arm is found on the beach covered in very cheap jewelry. No one cares.

Law & Order: Homosexual Panic: A very special victims unit that covers crimes in which “I killed him because he looked at me like he wanted to marry me in Vermont” is the defense. Lea DeLaria has been mentioned for the wisecracking detective, Anne Heche for the wisecracking district attorney, and Sandra Bernhard for the wisecracking judge. If we can work Jim J. Bullock in as the wisecracking court-appointed psychiatrist, that would give us some balance.

Desperate Houseboys: Fire Island again, this time with a soapy twist. It’s all about male trophy wives at home during the week when Daddy is off making millions. No dead bodies and, God knows, no cheap jewelry.

The AC/DC: Bisexuals move to Laguna Beach and wreak havoc among bored homeowners who’ve never tried X, K, or bondage. Edgy, and possibly politically incorrect for our first season, but you and I know a few sponsors who’d line up.

The Tranny: The transvestite nanny sitcom that keeps turning up on my desk every week. I’ve told William Morris to come back with this only when they get Johnny Depp.

The Queen of Kings: Historical miniseries with Ian McKellen as Edward II. Not to be confused with last week’s pitch, The Fellowship of the Ring, the reality series set in a gay hobbit bar. Even in New Zealand, this location might be hard to find.

Last Hustler Standing: They say they’ve got John Rechy to write it, but I don’t believe them. It has been pitched as a documentary, a reality show, a game show, and a plastic surgery makeover show. Personally, I think this will work only with Kathy Griffin as host.

Teletubbies on the Down Low: Hard to imagine the audience for this, but if it’s cheaper than L Word reruns, it might be worth considering for late, late, late night.

I’ve Got a Secret: Originally with Mary Cheney attached, but I guess that’s water under the bridge.

That’s it. Tomorrow’s the roundtable focus group breakfast on Queer Factor, and we’ll make one more run at Steven Cojocaru to host. Kisses!