Bruce Vilanch Attends The GayVN Awards

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The Gay Porn Oscars Are Just As Interminable As the Regular Oscars, and
Other Things the GayVN Awards Have Taught Us
by Dixon Gaines

Like the swallows returning to Capistrano in springtime, every year about this time, the world of gay porn descends upon San Francisco to fete itself with the GayVN Awards, the Oscars of dudes doing dudes. Lubed-up luminaries Brent Corrigan, Michael Lucas and porn impresario Dink Flamingo (Dink! We love you! Call us!) all trod the red carpet, and Queerty was front and center, reporting from the oddly sticky Castro Theater and the thumping after party.

Suffice it to say, it was an education. Here are 10 lessons we learned at the Gay Porn Awards, so you don’t have to.

10. Gay porn has a Tupac & Notorious B.I.G.

Proving that the porn world can have beef on par with the rap world, Michael Lucas launched his opening salvo against megatwink Brent Corrigan on Saturday. Just seconds after a representative from the Association of Sites Advocating Child Protection praised the adult film industry in their ongoing efforts to keep kids out of porn, Lucas strode on stage to deliver his invective. First coolly slamming Corrigan, who falsified his age to appear in porn at the age of 17, Lucas then castigated GayVN Awards for nominating and awarding Corrigan. Lucas was met by boos after his bombshell slam and continued to receive boos throughout the evening. See related story for more on the Lucas-Corrigan battle.

9. Margaret Cho is dirtier than a room full of porn stars

As befits an event with nominees entitled Piss! and Fisting Ranch Hands, it was certainly a dirty evening all around. But surprisingly, the filthiest of them all was presenter little ‘ol Margaret Cho. Of course, anyone who’s seen her salute to Gwen the Vagina Washer knows that Margaret does her best work blue. Madame Cho was downright raunchy, with topics ranging from comparing her boyfriend’s spunk to MSG to requiring a neck brace after sucking so much big dick. She capped off her set by singing a pervy paean to Ricky Sinz and his 9 and a quarter inch long schlong, which allegedly made Ricky blush twelve shades of red. If you’ve embarrassed a man whose money shots have been dissected like the Zapruder film, you know you’re working dirty.

8. Porn stars can be achingly sincere

Sure, they’re there to pick up awards for things like Best Cumshot and Best Threeway, but just because they’ve got monster cocks and rosebud puckers doesn’t mean these spunky kids don’t have heart. Many award-winners were genuinely moved Saturday night, profusely thanking their co-stars and directors, and spoke sincerely about their dedication to their art and craft. Most notable was Hall of Fame inductee Dean Phoenix, who teared up as he thanked and praised the many friends he made along the way. It was enough to bring a lump to your throat and your pants.

7. Porn award apparel runs the sartorial spectrum

Unsurprisingly for an evening saluting dudes who work bare-ass naked, there was no dress code at the GayVN awards. You had models in designer suits right next to studio mavens in jeans and sneakers. But of course, there were a few daring souls sporting outré apparel odd enough to make Mr. Blackwell rise from his grave: kilts and sleeveless shirts, leather harnesses and even a few weirdos decked out in head-to-toe vinyl.

6. Raging Stallions Studios is the Miramax of gay porn

Raging Stallion Studios was certainly the belle of the balls on Saturday, nabbing Best Picture, Best Director, Best Screenplay and Best Supporting Actor. Its sumptuously shot and intricately plotted (for porn) movies recall the lavish films – Shakespeare in Love, The English Patient,Chocolat – that the Brothers Weinstein pumped out at their arty apex. Which raises the question, does this make Raging Stallions star Ricky Sinz the Gwyneth Paltrow of the porn world?

5. You would think a gay porn after party would be, you know, dirty

For an event dubbed “Shameless” and billed as a decadent follow-up to an already decadent evening, the after party to the awards ceremony proved surprisingly tame. Sure, there was the requisite shirtless bumpin’ ‘n’ grindin’, and even an S&M tie-up corner tucked away in the VIP section, but it’s nothing that we couldn’t have seen somewhere in the East Village back in 2004. Where were the sex pigs greedily servicing a line of patrons? Where was the all-nude dancing? And most importantly, where was the center-ring grudge fuck between Michael Lucas and Brent Corrigan? After all, an after party to a porn show with no sex is like going to the Soul Train Awards after party and being told there’s no dancing.

4. Celebrities love porn, too

Us Weekly was right, celebs are just like us. We love porn and so do they! In addition to headliner Margaret Cho, stars like Bruce Vilanch, Alec Mapa and whatever remains of Janice Dickenson’s mind showed up to present awards. Even actual Academy Award-winner Dustin Lance Black was spotted at the afterparty, watching bemusedly (or perhaps arousedly?) as two boys in their tighty-whities were tied up and whipped with a cat ‘o nine tails. Just like Paddy Chayefsky would’ve done!

3. The Oscars and the GayVN Awards have a few things in common

You might think that there’d be little daylight between the Oscars and the GayVN Awards, but there were a few striking similarities between the two kudos-athons. Like the Oscars, the GayVN stretched for an irritating three-and-a-half hours. Also like the Oscars, the proceedings stopped dead in their tracks for a middling musical number culminating in a not-quite-good-enough payoff. Thankfully, unlike the Oscars, the GayVNs smartly did what it could to speed the plow. As the night drew on, the MC blitzed through awards like Best Editing and Best Set Design by skipping the nominee list entirely, announcing the winner and moving directly on to the next category, dropping the envelope on the stage. Hugh Jackman, take note for next year!

2. Come tor the porn, stay for Janice Dickinson

The GayVN Awards has one bright, shining advantage to the Oscars: the acceptance speech. Rather than a rote list of lawyers, agents and fellow Scientologists, pornsters keep it real and fascinating in their podium banter. We’re thinking specifically of the award-winner who thanked his co-stars, saying, “You couldn’t ask for two nicer guys to rape you.” And then there’s the presenter who, after Best Top Ricky Sinz left the stage, solemnly intoned, “I’ve had him fuck me, he’s excellent.” But the best in show blue ribbon goes to Janice Dickinson, who kicked off her time on stage by announcing, “We’re here at the Castro Theater!” adding, apropos of nothing, “Harvey Milk!” with a regal sweep of her arm. She hung out on stage for about 30 minutes longer, tossing out the occasional smutty bon mot, like saying, when asked what she would do if she were a prison warden, “I’d have sex with all the guards! My dad taught me everything I know!” The bitch is clearly insane and hilarious, and should be airlifted immediately into the next Oscars the second that shit turns too dull.

1. An award-winning porn is all in the name

Rather than a bunch of dick-dazed dummies, the audience was actually a pretty hip and clever crowd, a pack of sticky-fingered savants who had a taste for porny wordplay. Among the nominees that got the biggest audience responses were The Twink Whisperer, The Porn Ultimatum, Paging Dr. Finger, Black Meat, White Heat (“Sounds like a recipe!” cackled Vilanch), Spread Dat Buttah and of course, that new bisexual classic, Bi Pole Her 2. Oscar Wilde would be so proud. And probably a bit horny.